I am feeling behind. As if I can't get myself focused on being everything that I need to be right now. A recent 12 hour shift stint and lack of sleep is extracting all of my energy, all of my focus, all of my life. Having to make decisions every day that seem as though they are depleting my life instead of enriching it.
I want to quit. I want to escape. I want to run away.
I have so many dreams that I just can't seem to reach. I question if I have the drive, the talent, the_________. I don't know what goes into that blank. I don't even know what I really want to become anymore. It seems to change with each answer of the word "no."
You see in my family once the word "no" was answered, you did not dare to ask the question again, and you didn't, or at least I didn't, try to rephrase it, or even wait several months later to ask again. It was like a judge hammering out a verdict that would not ever be reversed. Now, I see "no" as a definite end, and then, I move on to the next blank to fill in.
You see I have become a master at learning something new every few years. Once I believe that there is no further hope of continuance, then I change, I look for the next challenge, and seemingly, the next "No."
Several years ago I dreamed of becoming self supportive as a photographer. I went so far as to start shooting portraits, even doing all of them for free, in the hopes that I could find someone willing to pay me $50 for a one hour session that included a jump drive with their session photographs. It all ended when I couldn't even get people to allow me to give them free portrait sessions.
Two years ago I began to make paper products based on affirmations. They sold very well, but the owner of the business would not tell me the truth about whether she wanted to continue them or not, and after seeing them hiding in the back of the store for a couple of months, I went and brought what was left home. I gave them to a local coffee shop to give away and they can't keep them in stock. Again, something that I was willing to do for free. Recently I went in the store where I had been selling them and I saw that they were giving away similar ones that weren't as nice as mine, and I was shocked, and sickened. After thinking for a few minutes, I realized that it was still doing what I intended to do in the first place, to encourage others.
Sometime in the last two years I also wanted to make art, paintings that would have encouraging quotes on them. I was told by the store owner that she could get art prints very easily. None of which were encouraging.
So here I am at writing. I am seeking permission, yet again. but the problem is that I am afraid of the words. I am afraid of the stories that are asking to be dealt with, to come out from my past and be given as a gift to help and encourage people. Which when all is said and done, all that I really want to be able to do.
I want to be able to give, I want to help, I want to be able to mix all of the bits and fragments of talents into something useful, that maybe would allow me to have a creative based job and support myself without the constraints of a full time job. I continue, day after day trying something new, and looking for somewhere to fit in, to help, to truly encourage others. But the fears of the words "no" haunt me to my very core.
And I am tired of being afraid and of running to the next thing. I wish I would become wise enough to see where I am headed and where I can truly be of use on this earth.
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