Friday, April 4, 2014

Learning to allow the mess

words don't flow for me like they seem to for others.
they feel like mollases, slow, stciky, and not what you want.
I see honey, honey everywhere.
These beautiful free flowing words that break me in two every time that I see them.

My words don't flow from a keyboard.
it requires too much thought.
i go back and correct misspelled words
rearrange lines and completely change the meaning of what I write
I don't feel comforatble.
I feel fake.
I don't belong and the words don't beliog.
and the words that come out in my jounrals, they feel deep.
theyfeel right. they don't feel jumbled and wasted.

i keep asking myself, why am I in this class?
why am I spending money that i could have saved when my words will never be good enough
I won't embarass myslef
i won't have to fear what other people say
why couldn't i just be safe
why can't i find a way to do this where it isn't so open, so out there

i read and i cry
nd i read others words and i cry
and i want to quit.
i stop, even though Natalie says not to
i try to compose my thoughts
i try to make sense of the jumble of words that are betraying me
they won't come out

the voice that comes out on my vintage typweriter is one that i am comfortable with
why doesnt it show up to save me now?
why doesn't the pen save me?
why have I wirtten this much?
why haven't i corrected my spelling, my lack of punctuation?
why have i put this all into single lines?
i'm not a poet
I am not very descriptive in words
i am descriptive in images
but i am afraid to share even those

fear, fear, fear
it hounds me
it screams and cries at me
what are you doing?!
why don't you quit?!
don't hit publish!
don't you know that they will see this as a messy waste of time?
as i cry for help?
as a why did she waste her money,kind of thing?
clean it up, put it together, stop!

no matter what you think,
I am doing this for
I am telling the censor to go to hell,
and I am not going to allow myself to delete this until after my coyrse is over.

this is a learning curve
MY learning to allow the mess, kicking fear, opening up

1 comment:

Dry Bones Dance Once More said...

It's okay to cry for help. I know that I was shamed so often for what was deemed "attention seeking" behaviours. We all need attention, every person has this need to be seen, to be noticed, to matter.

I love that you are doing this for you. That you are standing up in the middle of your fear and choosing yourself. It's brave and beautiful.