Sunday, April 6, 2014

It is difficult for me to let people see the various sides of who I am. It feels more like being in a contest than being open. Then the fear is, did they like it, was it as good as another's work, etc. The voices and fears strangle me until I cannot speak. 

Years ago I began photography, and I was showing my parents some of my work. Neither seemed to care. I later had 3 photograph in 2 magazines (the magazine ended shortly afterward) and THEN it was good enough. And so all of my life, I have been looking for the approval of others. People believe that peer pressure ends in high school, but I believe that as long as we are alive, it never ends. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and becoming more miserable in the process. 

And so now, I hide. I hide from the eyes of people who KNOW how to make me crave their attention, their permission. They know how to tell me "no" in subtle ways and I listen to their voices instead of my own. I feel suffocated. I hide my blog, I hide my Instagram, I try to hide on Facebook, and because my Dad is now on there, I don't share as much, especially if it is personal, or would make me have to listen to a lecture. I'm 38 and I still get lectured from time to time, it feels as though I am stupid and do not know how to make my own choices.

But I know that I can make my own choices, but I look for validation from everyone, but myself. My husband has kindly mentioned this to me, more often than he ever should. He believes in me, he supports me, but when it comes down to it, I become afraid, and jump ship. Kind of like Peter I guess. Jesus told him to come out onto the water, and he was fine at first, and then, he noticed the water and became afraid. 

I notice the water and begin to sink. I notice the lack of readers, the lack of thumbs up, the lack of hearts, and re-tweets and I become afraid. I begin to sink into the 'it's not good enough, it's no good, etc." I have the courage to begin, but rarely do I have the courage to continue, and I'm not sure how to find it. I truly want to find it. To walk on without fear swirling around like a hurricane.

I am tired of being afraid. I want to have the courage to walk on the water.


Dry Bones Dance said...

It is so easy to compare, especially when we have those voices from the outside, past and present, telling us that we aren't good enough.

The truth though is that you are enough. As you are, right now. Your words are enough and every time you push publish, every time you share, your brave grows just a little bit more.

Hope said...

Oh yes I hear this loud and clear and I get it! I'm a photographer too as well as a newbie writer. The pits of disregard are crushing. Let's journey together!!